Trump-Pena Nieto Mexico Summit – First (Fake) News Dispatch

Donald Trump at Iowa State University, January 19. 2016. Photo: Max Goldberg (Wikimedia Commons)
Donald Trump at Iowa State University, January 19. 2016. Photo: Max Goldberg (Wikimedia Commons)

Breaking News: Trump Earns Illegal Alien Status, Detained in Mexico

By Stephen K. Peeples

Donald Trump at Iowa State University, January 19. 2016. Photo: Max Goldberg (Wikimedia Commons)
Donald Trump at Iowa State University, January 19. 2016. Photo: Max Goldberg (Wikimedia Commons)

Businessman and U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump and Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto were to meet privately in Mexico City Wednesday afternoon, August 31, just a few hours before Trump will be in Phoenix, Arizona, to deliver what he has billed as a major policy speech on immigration.

Peña Nieto had extended invitations to both Trump and Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton to visit the country, and Trump was the first to accept.

Clinton last met with Peña Nieto in 2014 and her campaign issued a statement that they would meet again soon at the “appropriate time.”

The Trump-Peña Nieto summit in Mexico City was arranged in less than a week of secret discussions between Trump’s and Peña Nieto’s representatives.

Enrique Peña Nieto, president of Mexico, speaks at a conference in Bahia de Bandera, February 13, 2013. Photo: Aristóteles Sandoval (Wikimedia Commons)
Enrique Peña Nieto, president of Mexico, speaks at a conference in Bahia de Bandera, February 13, 2013. Photo: Aristóteles Sandoval (Wikimedia Commons)

Trump announced the meeting publicly by tweet late Tuesday afternoon, just before delivering a speech while reading a teleprompter at a rally in Washington State.

Peña Nieto confirmed the meeting via a tweet minutes later.

Planned topics of discussion were not immediately known.

Trump supporters viewed the meeting as an opportunity for him to charm and win over the support of Peña Nieto, who, in an interview published in Mexican media in March, likened Trump to Adolf Hitler or Benito Mussolini.

Trump detractors saw the trip as a typical Trump seat-of-the-pants impulsive publicity stunt, not a policy meeting with the leader of a neighboring country about immigration, trade, drugs, terrorism, or other issues of concern to both countries.

Either way, the meeting is high stakes politics for both Trump and Peña Nieto, who has received criticism domestically for inviting Trump after Trump so openly disparaged the Mexican people.

While the Trump-Peña Nieto meeting was billed as private, it didn’t quite happen that way, according to our sources.

Enterprising hackers managed to hack into the room via a live webcam feed the security staff thought was private. Unfortunately, all the hackers could get was audio; a transcript of what we heard follows:

*  *  *  *  *

[SFX – live TV newscast being watched in the meeting room, covering Trump’s Mexico City airport arrival; announcer is speaking Spanish, translated here to English]

News Anchor: Donald Trump and his entourage landed at Mexico City airport late this afternoon to meet with President Peña Nieto.

A large number of angry, boisterous protestors greeted them. Our police and security forces were everywhere, but many were seen taking selfies, phone videos and tweeting about the chaos. As a result, protestors swamped the American presidential candidate’s private luxury jet and surrounded it.

Wisely anticipating he would be greeted here by protestors, due to his inflammatory anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant rhetoric, Mr. Trump actually flew in to Mexico City using another plane and another runway. But he was very aware of the protestors.

Instead of receiving a state welcome on the tarmac, Mr. Trump was escorted to a laundry van, and driven out of the airport and into the safety of President Pena’s compound, which was also surrounded by protestors.

[SFX – uproarious laughter from people in the room watching and listening to the newscast]

News Anchor: The protestors at the president’s residence let the laundry van pass with no problem. Fifteen minutes later, when the “official” motorcade arrived, they raised a big ruckus.


Mexican Official [to everyone in the room watching the live news feed]: El Chingadero del Puto is almost here for the meeting! You press people – hang around a few minutes before the private meeting. TV news crews – start your live national broadcasts now. It’s going to get interesting!

[Trump and his entourage are escorted into the meeting room. He thinks it’s a quick photo op before the private meeting. But it’s an ambush.]

Peña Nieto [warmly]: Welcome to Mexico, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Saw all those rapists and murderers at the airport, Nieto. Must be waiting for their Mexican Airlines flights to the U.S. And those protesters outside your house, they’re next to go, right?

Peña Nieto: Yes, Mr. Trump. We just can’t keep up with the flow. It’s so bad here nobody wants to stay. Oh, wait – most of them are refugees from Central America fleeing violence in their homelands. They’re just passing through Mexico on the way to America. So, yes, we’re quite happy to pass those unfortunates on to America, where they might work to make a better life for themselves.

Trump: Well, all that’s going to end as soon as the wall goes up.

Peña Nieto: Oh, yes, Mr. Trump, about the wall…

Trump [interrupting, pulling document from inside coat pocket]: Yes, I have a contract right here, whereby Mexico hires Trump Enterprises as its contractor to build the wall.

Of course, I’ll give Mexico such a deal. We’ll hire all your poor unemployed people, they’ll build the wall. As soon as it’s done, and you’ve turned over the keys to the doors we’ll build into the wall to let legal immigrants in, we’ll just stiff the workers.

We’ll save millions. Trust me. I’ve done this many times and gotten away with it because the system is so rigged in favor of people like me.

So here’s a pen, Peña – let’s sign the deal right now and shoot a selfie that we can tweet out. It’ll be the world’s first Joint Tweet-ment. That’s YUUUUUUUGE! And you can keep the pen as a souvenir.

Peña Nieto [smiling with the patience of a true patrón]: Mr. Trump, to your credit, or your detriment, you have cajones grandes, even if your penis is as small as depicted on those hilarious art statues in a few American cities a few weeks ago.

Granted, you were the first to accept my invitation to visit Mexico, to talk with me, and meet the people of my country. As friends and allies of the United States, we in Mexico believe in good relations between our countries.

But we know your motives in coming here are strictly for show. There’s no substance to your visit.

Now, Mr. Trump, as to the wall – yes, we have heard much about your idea for building a wall. And I understand a sizeable number of your supporters also want a wall.

We know how you love the art of the deal, Mr. Trump, so let’s play the negotiating game. You offered your contract, and we have a counter-proposal for you.

It’s this: When you have granted full and complete amnesty to every Mexican-American now in the United States illegally…

Trump [interrupting]: No f**king way, José!

Peña Nieto: …and converted their illegal status directly to naturalized U.S. citizenship…

Trump [interrupting]: Fuggedabboudit! As we say in Jersey. Or !Chinga tu madre! As we also say in Jersey.

Peña Nieto: …we will CONSIDER your proposal to build a wall.

And only if the keys to the doors, we will share them, like a safe-deposit box at the bank. We want to be able to protect Mexican citizens from hateful American vigilante squads who would cross the border to hurt Mexicans.

Trump: What, you think you can bully me, just because I’m in your living room, in your house, in the middle of your country, with my plane on your airport’s tarmac, and you could take me hostage at any time?

Peña Nieto: Yes, Mr. Trump. In fact, we have just decided to make the wall 10 feet shorter.

The entire world watching this meeting. The Twitter-verse is already laughing at you very loudly. Can you hear them?

So please listen carefully, Mr. Trump – we know how you like to talk over everyone, so we understand why your listening skills never developed.

But hear this: You are not in a position to call the shots here.

We are. I am.

And right now, via live television, we are giving the world a righteously YYYYYUUUUUUUGGEEEE reality show, in which YOU are the star! It’s the best entertainment ever!

But remember, Mr. Trump, you have absolutely no control, because this is not America, and your rights under the U.S. constitution don’t apply here.

We, Mexico, will have a live TV camera on you at all times during your detainment. The ratings will go through the roof. And you won’t make a dime from this broadcast.

Mr. Trump, are you able to wrap your orange cotton-candy-topped brain around that?

Trump [stammering]: F-F-F-F**k you, homie! I’ll just call my friends in the U.S. State Department to intercede on my behalf. Oh, wait…

Or Paul Ryan in the House! Ah, no.

Lyin’ Ted in the Senate! Nahh.

Screw it! I’ll just call the president! Yeah, that’s it! Even that closet Muslim n****r from Kenya won’t let you get away with kidnapping me. It would be too much of an international incident!

[It’s 3 a.m. in Washington, D.C. The head of State gets a call from the U.S. Embassy in Mexico City claiming the Mexican government has detained Trump because he entered Mexico illegally without a passport. The response from State: “Call this toll-free number for a recorded message saying ‘You’re s**t out of luck, loser.'”]

Peña Nieto: Kidnapping? [laughs] Oh, no, Mr. Trump. Don’t be silly. We don’t need to kidnap you or arrest you. We can just detain you, for any period of time we decide.

Trump [red-faced and raging]: That’s un-American! You can’t do that to me! On what charge?

Peña Nieto [laughs]: Silly, silly man. You just don’t get it yet, do you? You’re not in the Bronx anymore. You’re in Mexico!

Okay, there are many other ways we can do this, but we’ve trumped up a really good charge especially for you.
Ready? Here goes:

Oh, by the way, Mr. Trump, when you and your party flew into Mexico City, did you go through Mexican Customs?

Trump: Well, my party did, but your security men just escorted me….

Peña Nieto [to his security detail]: Seize Mr. Trump’s passport. Hand it to our Customs Jeffe.

Trump [protesting loudly and aggressively]: I didn’t bring a passport. Big deal. Since when do I need a passport? I’m an internationally famous businessman and world-traveled celebrity. I never get asked for my passport. So why should I carry it?

[Customs Heffe]: Because it’s international law, and Mexican law, and you just broke both, Mr. Trump. We will also impound both of your airplanes. You cannot leave, nor is your party allowed to leave.

Trump [bellows at Customs Heffe]: What the hell do YOU people know about law? You’re Mexicans, just like that judge who’s hearing my case in the States.

Peña Nieto [calmly]: Mr. Trump, we are smart and educated enough to know you have violated international and Mexican law, and it is our duty under the Geneva Convention [or whatever body makes up the international passport rules] and to the integrity of our country’s borders to detain you.

Mr. Trump, as President of Mexico, I am officially charging you with illegal entry into Mexico.

You are, therefore, an illegal alien in Mexico.

You must be held accountable for your crimes. We cannot tolerate breaches of our borders such as this. For all we know, you could be smuggling terrorists into the country in your aircraft.

And don’t count on just a swift deportation. You think the American judicial system is corrupt? [laughs] You think you have any sway with anyone in the international diplomatic community to try to get you out?

Trump [about speechless]: Haba habina whooba feeg borg sputter…

Peña Nieto [to his security detail]: Cuff Mr. Trump, and take him to the Central Jail in downtown Mexico City. The one with all the Mexican rapists, murderers and drug dealers we catch. Let all the people on the streets see he is in our custody. Give him a nice orange jump suit. Protective custody? What’s that?

Peña Nieto [to the Mexican TV crews covering the meeting]: Keep broadcasting Mr. Trump’s detention and arrival in jail.

Peña Nieto: Mr. Trump, I know you think the Mexican judicial system is so corrupt you’d be able to buy your way to freedom. Not a chance. Try it, and we’ll get to charge you with bribery and have even more justification to detain you indefinitely.

Trump [ashen-faced]: President Peña, sir, about your amnesty proposal…I have an idea.

Maybe we can get Canada to build the wall….

[SFX – uproarious, sustained guffaws from everyone in the room]

Peña Nieto: Mr. Trump, I’m afraid that as an illegal alien in our country, you have no rights to make any proposals or bargains to us now.

You will be tried, convicted, and will serve time in prison. You’ll have your day in court.

Probably. Who knows when, but someday. Too bad there’s no Writ of Habeus Corpus in Mexican law, isn’t it, now?

Trump [wet spot appearing down the right leg of his made-in-Mexico trousers]: Heba habina whooba feeg borg sputter…

Peña Nieto: When and if you’d paid your debt to Mexican society, we might entertain the idea of building a wall between our countries.

But my sense is, with you in jail here in Mexico, American voters won’t want to vote for you, so Mrs. Clinton will be the next American president. I’m certain she and I would be more successful achieving a reasonable, practical reform of immigration policy that will ultimate benefit both out countries in ways your isolationism never could.

And even if you make it back to America before the election, you’ll be a convicted felon. What upstanding American would vote for a convicted felon – even if convicted in Mexico? Either way, you will lose.

Trump [brown wet spot appearing on the rear-end of his made-in-Mexico trousers]: Haba hamina veeba feeg blorg sputter…

Peña Nieto [to his security detail]: Get this illegal alien loser out of my home before he rapes someone or makes them take drugs. And clean up those puddles on my rug.

Peña Nieto [to the camera crews carrying the preceding live, nationwide]: Did you get all that, boys and girls?

[SFX — boisterous applause, loud laughter and celebration in the meeting room. The News Anchor’s voice returns.]

News Anchor: There’s spontaneous celebration as Mexican TV viewers stream from their living rooms into the streets, relishing the opportunity to publicly shame and humiliate Donald Trump as he did with their entire country…

Santa Clarita journalist Stephen K. Peeples was the original, award-winning producer of “The Lost Lennon Tapes” radio series for the Westwood One Radio Network from 1988-1990. Peeples, a Grammy-nominated record producer (“Monterey International Pop Festival,” MIPF/Rhino, 1992), is a veteran record industry media relations executive (Capitol Records, Elektra/Asylum Records, Westwood One, Rhino Entertainment, 1977-1998) and website content manager (Warner New Media, 1998-2001). He was music and entertainment features writer/columnist for the Santa Clarita Valley Signal (2004-2011), and The Signal’s award-winning online editor (2007-2011). He then wrote features for Santa Clarita’s KHTS-AM 1220 News ( and (2011-2016) and hosted, wrote and co-produced the WAVE-nominated “House Blend” music and interview show on SCV community TV station SCVTV (2010-2015). Today Peeples is CEO of Stephen K. Peeples Productions and CEO of Pet Me Happy Gifts & Treats, as well as Vice President/New Media & Editorial (Emeritus) with Los Angeles-based multimedia pop culture company Rare Cool Stuff Unltd. For more information, email skp (at) or visit

Article: Trump-Pena Nieto Mexico Summit – First (Fake) News Dispatch
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Trump-Pena Nieto Mexico Summit – First (Fake) News Dispatch